They did . For example, try to pick communication channels that are leaner, McKee says. All rights reserved. The list is really long. Sometimes when you have a window into somebodys personal life you get to know them more as a person, and you have context for whats going on with them. Ziegler, a 13-year IRS veteran, was the main IRS case agent on the case and supervised by Shapley. And you have a lot of exchange-based or reciprocity norms that dominate, rather than need-based norms. And does it feel satisfying, which is the result of positivity? It goes way beyond empathy if youre spending too much time helping someone figure out their problems or you get upset, worried, or maybe even scared about getting it right. If you feel like you and your coworker have gotten in too deep, heres what to do. We have similar life experiences and similar thoughts and ideas but we approach things so differently and think about things so differently so theres a real complimentary nature to our friendship. At the Financial Times in New York and London, I bonded with Rebecca Knight, whos now like a sister to me. This is to ensure that they are not getting a clique silo effect. That study helped us to think about both the positives and the negatives of friendship at work. The average person spends 81,396 hours the equivalent of more than nine years at work. But think about if youre moved into a new house, its so much easier to go knock on the neighbors door, and be like, I just moved in last week, last month. SHASTA NELSON: Yeah. Its important to take a more holistic look at the impact of what might seem like a great individual relationship and how that can cascade in negative ways. I mean, I did my first two chapters on just how significant that is, trying to summarize the research. But office friendships can have downsides, too. I definitely got in on the complaining, she says. We were interacting in meetings often. You know, youre meeting with people. Is this good or bad or both? With the unavoidable increase in remote and hybrid work, best friends at work have become lifelines who provide crucial social connection, collaboration, and support for each other during times of change. Rothbard: It will also be interesting to look at aspects of social media and technology. This gave me the opportunity to sit her down and really talk face-to-face about the issues. She didnt level accusations but she was direct. And my answer would be, absolutely yes. And that is like so much easier than like, I just moved in six years ago and thought I should come introduce myself to you. And so the people that were hanging out with, or even if its virtually, the people that were interacting with the most will damage us the most and/or help us the most with those issues. Instead, gradually shift how you interact so that youre spending less time communicating with the person. If the problem persists, you may need to dilute the friendship by seeing her less frequently and/or relying on more reliable friends. And that loop just keeps happening, hopefully. If youre in a close friendship, you need to be aware of the impact thats having on other people. Nancy Rothbard. Is there an order to how they develop? Pillemer: One of our core insights was that when friendships are considered to be uniformly positive, its often from the perspective of an individual. This is where youre most likely to interact with and to get to know and to be there. The current state of friendships at work is sobering. And if theres anybody in this world that I want acting out of a place of connection, its our leaders. Shasta Nelson, relationship expert and author, says that work friendships are critical to individual and organizational success but acknowledges that its not always easy to build these personal but still professional connections, especially when work is virtual. Knowledge at Wharton: You might not want to offend a friend. Adam Buchholz is our audio product manager. You have high level of consistency. Most of us are having more meetings than ever. Were going to be talking about work friendships. Theyre telling us that they dont feel safe in our relationships, and they dont feel seen for all of who they are. Business leaders need to set an example: Communicate in person more and email less. Most of us have plenty of interaction, potentially. Further, leaders can encourage in-person interactions by revising expectations, establishing new cultural norms, and even updating workplace configurations. Motivation: When an organization has . I mean, its hard. Job motives include gaining rewards such as power, money, or job security. And so when weve been out there talking about why we need better relationships, that consistency piece is the one that people always raise their hand and say, that is the hardest one to make happen in a busy life. A study at the University of North Carolina found when people express gratitude and laugh together, these also build relationshipsso regularly let your co-workers know you appreciate them and keep things light as youre working in tandem. And dont give in if they try to pull you back in; you need to hold strong to the boundaries youve set. SHASTA NELSON: Yeah, I say, play that new person card. Yet Gallup data shows that having a best friend at work is strongly linked to business outcomes, including improvements in profitability, safety, inventory control, and employee retention. And yet, it is the one that receives the highest scores most often when Im assessing a team, which is really interesting, because we really do need vulnerability. How do you address those concerns? According to Paul Lopushinsky, founder of Vancouver-based consultancy Playficient, That culture isnt really about fun; its about getting people to stay longer.. Rothbard: What we feel is really critical as an insight about social media and technology vis-a-vis friendship at work is that its amplifying a lot of these dark sides. Adults with strong social connections have a reduced risk of many significant health problems, including depression, high blood pressure and an unhealthy body mass index (BMI). Things like that are important to keep in mind because a lot of times youre in this bubble of the friendship and youre not aware of the impact its having on other organizational outcomes. You cant always control whom youre put together with in a group. ANSWER Hi Mindy, It's very nice to forge a friendship at work; it can make time spent at work more enjoyable and some studies even suggest that it can make workers more productive. And a lot of us have shrugged our shoulders and just said, well, thats just how that has to be. We need to show up with positivity, which means we need to be celebrating people who are different from us, affirming them, expressing that, really helping them feel accepted. It almost seemed like it was a taboo for people to be even asking this question. When you deal directly with senior executives, how do you help them solve those problems? Its something that didnt exist maybe five or 10 years ago. You might be shutting down an important connection. McKee agrees: People think to change an unhealthy dynamic, you need to break it. Gallup research found that agreement with the statement "I have a best friend at work" is a strong predictor of whether you are likely to stay in your job. Yes, there are possible pitfalls. And if there are certain people who are close and other people who are not close, then the people who are on the outside looking in can get really upset. But its not a uniformly good thing. Nancy Rothbard. For example, she discussed the high school cafeteria you can see in person the cliques that are forming and where you stand. They answer questions that give them a score of how much I enjoy this team, how accepted do I feel, how much positivity is on this team, in my experience? Because, you know, you fight with your family, you fight with your friends and you can make up with them, and its okay. It requires effort and intentionalitybut its certainly worth it for people and organizations. Employees with friends or a group of friends at work are seven times more likely to fully engage in their work. I love it. And those are the relationships that end up going to the top of the triangle. What should you do if youve gotten too emotionally involved? But you dont want to let your emotions take over and become so involved in a work friendship that it depletes your energy and productivity, says Susan David, author ofEmotional Agility. Well you dont actually need somebody whos funny to bond with them, but that might be one of the ways you like experiencing positivity. But for sure, when were at a workplace, we, it may not feel good at all, and we still have to show up and be connecting. For example, women might be more communal in their modes of relating and be able to navigate this tension more effectively or perhaps not. Classic English novels work amazingly well as travel companions. Moreover, friendship in the workplace as a social group motivates workers to share ideas and methods for solving problems or generating new services or products (Helmy et al., 2020; Berman et al., 2002) suggested that friendships in the workplace may help employees to experience a sense of belonging and involvement in the work environment, and . Were still friends, Sophia says. And every email from here on out, youre going to feel the benefit of having had that interaction. Microsoft found that when its new hires met with their buddy more than eight times in their first 90 days on the job, 97% said that their buddy helped them become productive quickly. Craving More. This was when I knew I had to put an end to the nonsense. Still, she wasnt sure how to handle it. You may opt-out by. And it doesnt feel satisfying. We know what technology were using to interact. Bad days vs. bad vibes A good friend having a bad day might snap at you or seem distant, but they'll likely apologize once things settle down. And thats great. It was that we sat next to each other. She adds that most adults spend less than 40 minutes a day . So sometimes theres big things, that it doesnt matter how much positivity you add, if youre not dealing with that big negative, its going to be hard to get that ratio up. Friendship is a relationship between two individuals that is entered into voluntarily, develops over time, and has shared social and emotional goals. What got you into this industry? Organizations have a role to play in creating belonging. Accelerate your career with Harvard ManageMentor. It is also increasingly becoming an inevitable aspect of organizations. Its also amplifying the positives. So Franco leaned on her friends for support. Whenever possible, reemphasize your professional relationship and talk about the importance of work. Details Transcript August 25, 2020 Shasta Nelson, relationship expert and author, says that work friendships are critical to individual and organizational success but acknowledges that it's not. What the Experts Say Empathy is an important component of emotional intelligence and, thus, an asset in the workplace; it helps you connect with others in a meaningful way. Being friendly sharing lunch, playing ping-pong . Avoid Gossip and Keep Confidentiality. What sort of psychological boundaries should you put up? THE FIX Make sure she's aware of what she's doing; let her know she's disappointed you; and ask her to be more reliable. So you might hold back even though you believe theres another direction that might be better for the organization. In Sophias view, Carol would take advantage of this special treatment and offer excuses for missed deadlines. It wasnt that we became friends because we had like all this blocked off time together. Ive had really good ones ever since I started my career at the Freelance Star newspaper in Fredericksburg, Virginia. And how do you do that in a natural way? Friendship at work can be really valuable to people. You have history built. And it should always leave us feeling better. If youre spending more time on video or phone, replace that with a couple of emails. You want to create some physical distance and tone down the intensity of your interactions, says David. 3. But are connections really such a big deal? Youre still going to feel like those are just all human emotions, when people interact. Its allowing us to connect to people more deeply, right? DAN MCGINN: I became friends with Alison originally because of proximity. Fine. During . So at the very beginning, it has to feel good enough to make me want to spend time with you and have that consistency piece. So I always stop and ask, is there something I can do to kind of decrease the negative emotion here? I was assigned to sit next to her my first day at HBR. And there are so many other studies that show having friends at work matters, or how many friends you have at work matters. But its not a uniformly good thing. In the battle between company policy and human nature, human nature always wins. An edited transcript of the conversation follows. ALISON BEARD: Yeah, so you can tell that I believe really strongly in having close friends at work, but a lot of people will question whether you really need to. And Aliyah empathized with him. Theres a lot of research which shows that in group decision-making kinds of situations, interacting with people who are similar to you and who you like a lot, makes it hard sometimes to raise hard questions and to deliberate carefully. But these are the three things that we know are the foundation of a healthy relationship. Companies can also organize affinity groups for those with common interests or challenges, and they can plan events in which people can come together to volunteer, listen to a concert over the lunch-hour or participate in an onsite pet adoption event. In addition, work gives you the opportunity to develop a foundation of both task trustfollow through and follow up on responsibilitiesand relationship trust where you share a confidence and experience a trustworthy listening ear. As I discuss in my new book, Blind Spot: The Global Rise of Unhappiness and How Leaders Missed It, loneliness is all too common. The key to an effective buddy system is the frequency of the interactions. When people were more connected, they reported the following benefits: Friends can provide feedback and coaching, and they are those from whom you can learn. Having a close friend at work can make you happier, more productive, and less likely to quit. I already felt like he had overdrawn on his bank account of how much I was willing to listen to him, but my natural human empathy required me to be there for him, she explains. SCOTT BERINATO: I think really what it is is were so different and somehow the same at the same time. As you can imagine, the whole thing was disruptive to everyones life, Aliyah says. Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania and University of Minnesota not only confirmed that close friendships increase workplace productivity, they also found out why friends are more committed, communicate better, and encourage each other. Establish clear boundaries One of the cornerstones of any friendship is the ability to confide personal information and build trust. So I teach relationships on a triangle, and I teach that all relationships start on the bottom of the triangle, at the very lowest levels of consistency, positivity and vulnerability, and then as we practice those three things, as we increase our consistency, positivity and vulnerability, over time, incrementally with people, some of those relationships will move up the triangle. And they make me laugh. Indeed, Gallup finds that globally, only three in 10 employees strongly agree they have a best friend at work. Carlos regularly griped to her about the extra work that had been created. They report they would give up career advancement and even up to 6% of salary to have stronger ties with colleagues. He had a lot going on, she says. Maybe somebody was really annoyed at me because they needed me for something, and they think I was just, La-la-la, off in France on vacation. So, navigating how to be a good friend in an organizational context can be challenging. Friendships in the workplace are valuable. Especially the people we work with. Agent X revealed and he's a Democrat. Using the Beatles as an example of a high-performing team, The Economist states: The Beatles love what they do for a living. Show respect when your friend is also your manager. So a lot of us are showing up with more defensiveness than vulnerability, and were not learning in that way. We arent feeling that supported. For example, instead of people choosing their own teams, you can have people from different areas of the organization on the teams to guard against challenges with decision-making. Wharton's Nancy Rothbard and Julianna Pillemer discuss the dark side of friendships in the workplace. And more than 20% of people dont have friends or family they can count on whenever they need them. I mean, that, to me, is the big point, is that youre still going to feel like you got overlooked for a job. We need to prove that were reliable, that we arent only advocates when its trendy, that we arent only speaking to this topic after a murder, when we are like, we need to be people who say, Im still in this. You are going to be, youre going to report feeling more job satisfaction. Workplace buddies not only give new hires tips like where stuff is and what the unwritten rules are, but they help them make connections with other people in the company. 43% don't feel a sense of connection to . When youre neglecting your responsibilities to tend to a work friend, its a sign that something needs to change. You know, can bosses be good friends with their employees? You may also find that's true for yourself. Its just a good excuse for you to show up and to say, who are some of the people in this organization I would love to interact with? With a greater sense of belonging, people experienced 24% greater resilience and 36% greater well-being. Should I, should all of our listeners be trying to diversity our work friend groups? Having a close friend at work can make you happier, more productive, and less likely to quit. Were not hearing what we need to hear. Are we both putting in the same amount of effort? According to the BetterUp study, only 31% of people are satisfied with the amount of social connection they have at work, and 43 . To effectively manage the transition you should: 1) Acknowledge the power shift; 2) Accept your new role; 3) Be consistent and fair with your team members; 4) Don't let emotions get in the way . But just as she was mustering the courage to do so, Carlos was involved in a car accident that kept him out of work for several weeks. I had to juggle our professional relationship and our friendship on a regular basis, Sophia says. Unfortunately, the pandemic not only exacerbated global loneliness, it also took a toll on workplace friendships. Exposure to new people creates opportunities to meet new friends. Another insight that we had was that when you are close friends with people, it can sometimes make it difficult to make hard decisions. It should leave us both feeling empathy or acceptance or just enjoying and feeling good. Start a book group or a cycling club for those with common interests. It definitely helped to have him reaching out to other people. When he eventually returned to the office, she also set new boundaries. Change the tone of the conversation Its tough to tell a friend that you want to spend less time with them. How does a friendship where youve known this person for 10 years differ from a friendship thats burgeoning in the first week? And what are the unique challenges that arise from those features?. You dont want to go from being their best friend to refusing to having lunch with them because youre at the end of your rope, David says. Theres a little bit of a caveat there. You'll be more likely to avoid the so-called "situational friendships": those that end as soon as one of you changes jobs. Thanks for listening to the HBR IdeaCast. Instead, think about your own role in creating the unhealthy dynamic. Consistency seems to be the first thing when we are talking about the office, even if its virtually. Most of the research that talked about how relationships outside of work influence your work was focused on family. ALISON BEARD: And of course, were going through a lot right now. Getting stuck in a perpetual negative cycle . Those are important types of rules that you need to adopt with your friends to manage that friendship so that it doesnt become individually taxing to you as well. What would be your advice to them? So every interaction we hopefully are getting a better feel of getting, picking up clues from each other and who you are. (You might see . They listen well. A second thing that you might want to think about from an individual perspective in terms of setting some boundaries is that while you might be great friends with somebody, maybe you set times to catch up with them about various things, rather than having them interrupt you when youre trying to get your own work done. And theres a lot of different ways to look at it. Hopefully we move up the triangle towards the middle of the triangle, with like our team, with our people that were collaborating with regularly, with the people that we sit next to. When we look, when I was doing like the loneliness studies, people of color report having more loneliness in the workplace than white people. This crisis demands attention. It looked at how friendship was important but it had costs in terms of being emotionally taxing to people. Knowledge at Wharton: All of us spend a lot of time at work and one would assume that having friendly relations with our co-workers is overall a good thing. These goals may include feelings of belonging, affection, and intimacy. Are we talking about best, best friends? SHASTA NELSON: Yeah, for sure. Theres an instinct to blame the other person and think, You drove me to this. But thats a disempowering position to take, says David. And so if were hearing them say that, then were not showing up as a good friend. She suggests saying something along the lines of, I feel like weve been going in circles on this. The Most Important Career Question To Ask YourselfAnd Why Your Answer Matters, Its Time For Job Seekers To Ask The Hard Questions And Be Treated With Respect, How Covid Changed The Workplace: Its A Whole New World Out There, How To Quickly Bounce Back After Being Fired, 3 Secrets For Success In Multifamily Residential Development, Manage Your Mental Chatter to Become A Better Leader, Workers Are Tailoring Their Schedules To Accommodate Their Productivity Peaks, Resulting In A Dead Zone. Its need-based; if I need you, youre going to respond. When another colleague pulled Aliyah aside to tell her that she was really concerned about how much time she was spending on the phone with Carlos and suggested she set some limits on her generosity, she knew it was time to make a change. They check in. And so this piece is actually crucial, and I would just say its, think of it more as just getting to know each other incrementally. Its, are you practicing these three things that end up leading to you feeling seen, which is the result of vulnerability, and does it feel safe, which is the result of consistency? To assess whether your relationship is a healthy one, ask yourself a few questions: Is the relationship bringing me closer to the growth I want in my career? ALISON BEARD: It is particularly difficult for leaders, right? And according to a global study by the International Social Survey Program (ISSP), Interpersonal [work] relationships have a sizeable and significant positive effect on the job satisfaction of the average employee.

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